hello summer of 09'

well idk alot has happened in these past few months that i can't even belive that it did. well i dont even know where to begin school finally came to an end and things started to fall apart i quit my job at the jewish home to work at a tanning place, i got really serious with my booyfriend, i lost my best friend in the whole world that was friends with me for ten years, and steph had so many family problems that it was hard to see her ever. Well first i'll explain why me and my best friend for ten years arn't that close anymore and it was something that we always told each other would never come between us but it did a boy and not just any boy my boyfriend. And obvs . i picked him over her so it really is all my fault i just hate admitting it. I mean when she told me that i could go out with him i never thought it was ever going to last ever but it did and now theres nothing i could do because i love him and we've been so happy together it just sucks that we can't all be friends. Let alone be cival. Its so werid how you can be best friends with someone and in a split second they can disapear forever and act like they were never apart of your life even though they were a huge part. So yeah i haven't really talked to her latly but we made an agreement that we can't be mean to each other because we can't talk to each other like the ways that we were mean to others. Thats the one thing that i loved about her is that she was always understanding and no matter what happend she was always there. I can't belive i was such a shitty friend. But also she made it that way when she said to choose and i couldn't and then when she wouldn't be around my boyfriend and me at the same time it kinda just ended up me not talking to her at all.
So im starting senior year all new, new job, new boyfriend, new friends i think its gonna be a good year. Alot has changed but really sometimes it has to change. I also learned in these past few months that you deff learn from your mistakes because even with stupid things like driving you always learn and try not to do it again. That what i think anymore you have to let go of the past and make change for the new and it took me a while to realize it but there is also good memories to take with you along with the new memories you make. None said that fights last forever but who knows if it does than it does theres nothing else i can do to make it bettter, and maybe it was for the best if they dont come back. I'm really nervous to even start senior year i mean its crazy that i finished 12 years of school! Like im finally starting to grow up and its scary as hell to me to I deff don't wanna do it alone either.
So Stephanie is one crazy girl like i dont even know what to even start with her we've been bestfriends for a while and we can fight like cats and dogs but usally it only lasts for liike 10 mins and then were sitting there smoking our shitty ciggs because we can't afford good ones because were both poor as shit. But anyways, i feel so bad for her like shes been through so much in the past few years and sometimes i dont even know what to even say to her. Shes such a strong girl like i dont know how she handles it all the time. Well its been almost a year and a half since her mother died and now her step dad is starting to move on and it sucks because he already moved the girl in the house and she also has to kids one is a year younger than us and the other a year older. I also didn't make it any better when i fliped out at her so called "step sister" and told her that i didnt like her but i had no other choice i seriously could not stand it. She was this little girl who though that she was the shit. But anyways, then she started to live in her room and her house so there was about seven people living in that house with her and yeah at first it was great because it was like one big cookie cutter family, alll living together but then once it got past a week then things got crowed and the honey moon period was over. Thats when Stephanie said she had enought and was going to live with her aunt in Scranton I mean it was only for a few days because of course her dad wasn't going to let her stay there forever so she went there and then she started talking to her scummy ass ex boyfriend that treats her to bad and takes advantage of her all the time because her aunts house is right next to his and shes been with him alot of the nights. But now im really happy for her because shes been talking to this one kid from my school named Donald and hes so fucking cute and nice and i never seen a guy treat a girl so cute and he accually has respect for her. I love it and i wish they would just go out because they been hanging out like everynight and tonight were all going to hangout and I think its gonna be so fun. I just hope my boyfriend likes him ehhh thats gonna be bad if he doesn't but i dont think he will.
Also last night my boyfriend finally met all of my family like my entire family and it was the cutest thing ever like my family is really loud and they can be really nosey and stuff but I love them all and I finally brough him i mean he was quite and stuff but i think it was deff worth it because i mean they were gonna have to meet sometime or anyother and to be honest i was really happy then it accaully went and he didnt get freaked out or want to break up with me either hahaha thank god. See my family is like the movie my big fat greek weding and no matter what you do they are always there and always there to help no matter how annoying they can get i love them. I never felt like this with anyone ever I mean yeah i had boyfriends before but never like this like i can accually see myself marying him i love him so so much and i dont know what i would do without him ever. Hes my bestfriend my boyfriend my everything hes like my world and no matter what happends i will love him forever and always. <3

fuck im so confused

idk what the fuck im thinking right now idk im just so confused and none is answering there phones so i guess im stuck writing out what im thinking i guess.. so yeah everything is fine like nothing is wrong but idk im just in one of those moods you kno where like idk i never feel happy ever and i never feel like im ever good enough for anyone and everytime i get close to someone it just goes to shit like im so scared that its going to happen like you have no idea and im not saying that anything is bad its just that like im scared and confused and like i kno that he is to beause there is no way hes not and idk he confuses me so much with the things that he says because like today i didnt text him or call him at all and then he didnt call me so i got worried so i waslike what the hell so i was freaking out and shit and then when i told nikk she told me that he was just waiting for me to contact him all day i was like wtf like i dont loike that at all like i just wanted him to talk to me i dont wanna play these mind games like we both kno that we like eeach other now so whats the fucking prob you kno what i mean like im fucking scared as hell and idk whats going to happen but i need to find out and we both need to take risks and shit and it doesn't seem like its going to happen idkk whatever we will see if he calls or texts me tonight ..... fuck why do things need to be so complicated. and fucked. NOTHING EVER GOES RIGHT EVER. FUCK FUCK FUCK

janunary

well i haven't written in a really long time i think since at least new years but yeah alot has changed alot and its for the better and i loove it! welll i met a new booy on newyears and its werid because like when you look for things really hard you never really know whats right in front of you. And when i stoped looking i found this person and its funny because we used to go to school and everythign and now all of a sudden were hanging out all the time and having sleepovers together and its not like were doing anything but its just the cutest thing ever and i love it and hes so cute and nice to me you have no idea like i haven't felt this way about anyone in a long time like i want to be with him all the time because of the way he just makes me laugh about everything and doesn't pressure me into doing anything sexual or anything either. ITs great and im really happy about how things are going. I even quit smoking for him like i really like him like i hate saying it because im so sick of getting hurt but idk i can't help it and he told me that he liked me to and its so cute like i get myspace messges from him all the time and i get cute little text messages and it just makes me smile all the time because i haven't had someone like that in a while. but yeah my friend to also found a realy cute boy that she really likes alot to and she never ever has anyone and she never is really herself about people she doesn't know but with this one its so cute and they have been texting alot and been hanging out all the time and its really cute because shes finally really really happy and i think thats the best because she deserves it (: and my friend steph found someone to but of course he lives in allentown but what are you going to do it still works and hes like obsessed with her and wants to be with her all the time and shit and he said that he will come in and hangout but who knoes where that is going to take us because really idk if they are going to last only becfause of the distance and also of hes still in highschool and he has alot of growing up to do. but nik isn't doing that good either shes really upset about these two guys and she finally chose and now he said that he needs his space and stuff like i really dont understand people at all like he said that he likes her and then all of sudden the next day its like a fuck you in the face?!?! ok... like whats that mean i can't stand people sometimes. but yeah school is going preety good i guess im passing and its whatever and work has gootten better and chris quit and hes back with his ex and im preety glad because hes a nice kid and he deservs to be with someone that he likes and he really loves her so thats really goood. I really hope that this works out with me and this boy bc i think that hes the cutest boy in the world and hes like a million inches taller than me but i dont even care but its so cute that i have to look up to talk to him. but who knoes i wish that i was in collage so bad you have no idea like its hard and stuff but its deff deff worth it and you have so much more free time like you do what you want to do. idk its amazing well at least that it sounds like it and i feel so little and i hate it. but idk im so boored right now and theres nothing else to really talk about its just the same old same and usually im on the phone with my boo but i was just with him loike two hours ago and hes deff doing work but i allready want to talk to him. well idk i will just update later or something (:

goodbye 2008

well a lot has happened this year and i am pretty glad that its ending it had its ups and downs but in the end there were memories that i will never forget. Sometimes i look back and relize how i just want things to be normal again and how i miss the others that came into my life that left but really i realized that its the people that stayed with you through thick and thin that are the ones that i should be greatful for in my life. I mean yeah things arn't easy and i did have alot of fights with people but in the end i relized that life is to short to fight and that those people were there for me for a reason and no matter how tough that life got they always stuck there. Esp Nikki i honstly dont know what i would do without her like resentlly i got into a fight with her and i though that we weren't going to be friends forever and I was more upset over it than anything in the world it was like i lost my sister and i didnt know what i was to do without myself, i was devestated it was like being heart broken but worse but in the end we just made up and i know that we both said hurtful things to each other but things are finnally getting back to normal with us. ANd i love it i was so lost for like two months and Im glad its getting back to normal. Also this year was the first year that i got a job and at first i hated it more than anything I didnt know anyone and i was really quite but then i meet so many people there and i love it they are like my second family to me. There was also this one kid that i met there and i never really gave him a second glance untill a couple weekes ago and i then when i finally did, hes the nicest boy that anyone would ever want cute funnny so nice to everyone. But there was one problem he was still in love with his ex girlfriend and it sucks because right when i thought that everything was going good it blows up in my face once again and i ended it quickly i mean i really wanted it to work but i new that when someones heart belongs to someone else your not going to get them to forget i mean yeah prob when we first started to hangout i thought that we liked each other but i knew deep down that his heart belonged to someone else and that someone wasn't me. But i mean we are still friends and i do miss him because for like two months we go really close and we would constanlly text and talk to each other and not to forget we worked together so it really hurt me to know that we weren't going to be anything but there is many people out there and for now im just going to be single and see what happends with people. I think that when you look for someone and sulk by yourself your never going to go out and have fun and meet new people and your just going to be by yourself for the rest of your life. And i relized that this year that if you do that then your never going to be happy and you need to enjoy whats around you and not worry about who likes who and whoes hooking up with who you just need to enjoy your life as it is. I mean i been so heart broken over someone for at least a year and i always compared them to everyone else and i didnt really like anyone and i wish that i didn't do that because i ser wasted so much of my time while he was having the time of his life enjoying highschool while i was sitting here missing him. And im not saying that everyone should just get over things so fast but its really not worth it and if they come back then good for them but you shouldn't just sulk over them forever. I learned to move on this year alot and learned to conentrate on myself and my friends and the people that love me more than just that dumb boy that broke your heart. And yeah i still think about him once in a while and relized that we did have alot of fun while it lasted but nothing really lasts forever if oonly one person is willing to make it. This summer was prob not the best summer ever but it was pretty fun i have to say i mean we had fun i meet so many new people and even tho i dont talk to them really anymore because things have changed and the summer ended but some of them i try to keep in contact with as much as i can but its really hard. I also met alot of collage people and from what they were saying was that everything changes when your out of highschool and i totally belive that and that they said things get really harder but i dont know for now im not in collage i still have another year to think about that and to be honest im scared. I have no idea where im going to collage what im even going to do and I didnt even start my sats yet like its all so stressful but i can't let it get to me right now its christmas break and i just want to have fun with all my friends and family and not let all the drama and my life plans ruin it for at least tonight. Hopfully maybe in the next few months i will meet someone that really clicks with me and that i can have fun with and just be myself and loves my friends and im not worried about what there thinking when we should all be having fun. I'm accauly really excited for this year to come because im going to start fresh and not let things get to me so much and just have fun (: well thats all for today but i will update soon